Tag: life

Two Years, One Mirror.

Hey peoples,

It’s been a while since I’ve written something personal like this.

For a long time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this. Partly because I was embarrassed, partly because I didn’t know how to put it into words, and mostly because I had not fully accepted it myself.

The last two years have probably been the hardest years of my life.

From the outside, things looked okay. I was working, smiling, making plans, and telling everyone that I was fine. But the truth is, I wasn’t.

Somewhere along the way, i started having this phases where alcohol stopped being something I occasionally enjoyed to became something I depended on in certain times more than I would ever admit. Let me explain, it really felt harmless at first since i would have a drink every other day for probably a week or so Just something to take the edge off after a long day. Something that was occasional had become more of a habit.

But little by little, it started taking more than it was giving.

What made it worse was the lying.

Not just lying to other people.

Lying to myself.

Telling myself I had it under control.

Telling myself tomorrow would be different.

Telling myself I could stop whenever I wanted which i could but…

The truth was that I couldn’t.

And when you’re constantly trying to hide a problem, you end up hurting the people who care about you most.

One of those people was Faith.

Faith was genuinely one of the best things that happened to me during that period of my life. She cared about me, believed in me, and wanted the best for me even when I wasn’t giving my best to myself.

But lying about a habit has a way of making you selfish.

You become so focused on hiding, covering up, and surviving the consequences of your actions that you stop seeing how much pain you’re causing the people around you and to yourself.

I lied.

I broke trust.

And eventually, I lost someone who deserved much better from me.

If by any chance you ever read this, Faith, I am truly sorry.

Not the kind of sorry people say because they got caught.

The kind of sorry that comes after looking at yourself honestly and realizing the damage you caused.

You deserved honesty.

You deserved consistency.

You deserved someone who was fully present.

And for a long time, I wasn’t that person.

The relationship ending hurt more than I can explain, but looking back, it also forced me to face a truth I had been avoiding for a very long time.

I had a problem.

And it needed to be dealt with.

And no amount of excuses, promises, or wishful thinking was going to change that.

Then came January 30th.

I remember that date because it became the day I stopped running.

The day I looked directly at my habits and said, “Enough.”

Not tomorrow.

Not next week.

Not after one last drink.

Enough.

Was it easy?

Absolutely not, i tripped abit but kept on working on myself.

I remember one day i was at a resturant and i was eating by myself and i started contemplating on my life at that moment i was the most guilty, broken, prideful, lustfilled and selfish version of myself, but also the most honest version of myself in that resturant. 

There were days when my mind tried to convince me that one drink wouldn’t matter.

Days when I questioned whether I was making the right choice.

Days when I felt like giving up.

But I kept going.

One day became one week.

One week became one month.

And slowly something amazing started happening.

I began to recognize myself again.

My thinking became clearer.

My relationships became healthier.

My confidence returned.

The constant guilt started fading.

I began making decisions I could actually be proud of.

Most importantly, I started becoming someone I respected again.

Today, I won’t sit here and pretend I have everything figured out.

I don’t.

Life is still life.

There are still difficult days.

There are still challenges.

But now I face them with a clear mind.

And that has made all the difference.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with something whether it’s alcohol, anxiety, gambling, anger, depression, or anything else you’re fighting in silence I want you to know something.

You don’t have to keep running.

The thing you’re avoiding usually gets stronger the longer you avoid it.

Face it.

Ask for help.

Be honest.

Take responsibility.

And then take the first step.

Not all the steps.

Just the first one.

Because sometimes the biggest change in your life begins with one honest conversation with yourself.

The last two years taught me many things.

But the biggest lesson was this:

You cannot heal what you refuse to acknowledge.

Thankfully, I finally did.

And for the first time in a long time, I am excited about the future.

Thank you to everyone who stood by me.

Thank you to everyone who never gave up on me.

And thank you to the version of myself that finally chose to fight. 

See you soon peoples.

Be kind to yourselves.

God aint through with us Yet!

Chao…

The unknown…

Where do I even start… I don’t know whether to continue with the savannah series or just let you in on what made me stop for a while.

I guess letting you guys know would be really fair then the series will continue, but first, I’m really disturbed by these rape cases and the ladies that are finally opening up about their ordeal, and I feel for them as a guy honestly. It is embarrassing and disgusting just to think that some men out there do these things. Lemme on behalf of all good men out there apologize for these acts that are just pure evil.

To all victims out there, I sincerely hope that you may find peace of mind and that of the heart. We all know nothing can ever and will ever justify rape, no matter the situation. See, my old man once told me to treat ladys and girls the way you would want someone to treat your mother and sisters, I’m sure if we could all learn this the world would be a better place.

Now with that out of my chest, what happened to me?? Let’s talk.

Honestly there is only one word to summarize it all, ANXIETY. It happened that I started thinking about my future and what I wanted it to be like, and those thoughts alone made me anxious af, not going to lie that stuff really was scary.

The reason I had anxiety problems and being scared about my future is because of the fear of the unknown or rather what awaits ahead. See, we all have a picture or a plan of how we want to live our lives and that of the family that may come and when you see that there are things that may derail your plans it becomes really scary.

For me being a 23 year old, soon to be 24 and still a medical student, I have goals that I clearly want to achieve by a certain period of time and I saw that I was still living off my parents, I knew this is one thing that would cost me my goals and that’s when the anxiety really kicked in. I knew I had to change things rather quickly.

I had these business ideas that I wanted to tell my parents about but I was scared cause I didn’t know how they’d react. So, I decided to approach them and told them everything, surprisingly they had positive reactions and they picked one and decided to let me try it.

So, I started to work on my project, thinking that I had faced the hardest part of it and that I had solved my anxiety troubles, I was wrong. Three weeks later I was in on the business and it didn’t start with profits as you’d think. Some days I would wake up at 3am for the hustle make some really good profits, and then the next day make bigger loses, and this is when my anxiety crept back.

I realised that every time I became anxious I made poor decisions and this made a negative impact on my hustle, which was bad. On the other hand I realised when I became very excited about the day it also made me make irrational decisions making negative impact also.

Then I decided to take a week off the hustle and try to work on myself. I have this one really good friend every time I feel I ain’t myself, I talk to her and she helps a great deal and so we talked, I told her about my anxiety, and she really gave me good advice and I notice that after awhile I was getting better and better, even later when I return to my job I found out that it was in a really good place with me having minimal anxiety.

Then finally towards the end of last month, everything started to fall in place and honestly it has never be better, I realised I was more happy and I had better judgement on things, and I had this thought that actually I may reach the goals I had on time or earlier. My anxiety stopped and the fear of the unknown stopped.

I didn’t want to write during those “dark” times, cause I felt like I would be lying to myself and all those that read my work. Since my anxiety stopped I’ve become more positive and want to have positive vibes with everyone.

It’s not that I don’t get anxious now and then. I honestly do but I learned to control it and make it work for me rather than against me. It makes sense to be scared cause it will give you a certain drive you didn’t know you had in you, which is a good thing to be honest.

Lemme talk to you, don’t be afraid to take risks in whatever you want to do moreover if it’s for your good. At least let’s try in our 20’s cause we do know that you lose 100% of the chances we don’t take. It’s better you try and lose than just be there in the comfort zone. You won’t know your capabilities.

Don’t be afraid of that idea, it maybe whatever but if works for you do it. Don’t give a damn of what people will think about you or how they will see you at least you trying and you better of than them who may be laughing at you. Let’s dig that.

Anyway that’s the reason that I stopped the blog for a while but I’m back now…also them online classes are really something else. I know we will manage irregardless. The savannah series will be in the next blog for those who follow it.

Ooh one last thing, my fellow men out there let’s protect the ladys rather than harming them and be the first in line to raise awareness about rape and the suffering victims, to help them heal.

See you soon peoples, be safe let’s wear masks in public and maintain social distance.

Chao…